Welcome to Down to Find Out, a column in which Nona Willis Aronowitz addresses your biggest questions about sex, dating, relationships, and all the gray areas in between. Have a question for Nona? Send it to downtofindout@gmail.com or fill out this Google form. (It’s anonymous!)
I just got my period, and while I’ve always been an advocate for reproductive rights and stopping period stigma, I can’t help but feel ashamed of mine. Is this normal? Honestly, I just feel like periods really suck right now.
—Lydia, 12
First things first: Let’s put in a few good words for menstruation, in case some readers aren’t as devoted to eradicating period stigma. The blood during your period comes from the shedding of the uterine lining, which thickens in the weeks preceding it to prepare for a possible pregnancy. Bleeding every month may not be pleasant, but it’s completely natural and a sign that your body’s reproductive system is working as it should. It’s hard to remember this when you’re dealing with cramps and tampons, but the menstrual cycle has enabled virtually every single person on Earth to be born.
But onto your problem, Lydia, because it appears you know all that. I’ll let you in on a secret you may not know: Even the most enlightened, educated, and progressive among us manage to absorb negative messages we don’t consciously agree with. That’s true no matter how much we support reproductive rights and reject period shame. Why? Because we grow up in a culture that teaches us that periods are gross, icky, and should be kept secret. Our minds will take in a little of that toxicity no matter what we do.
Eighteen-year-old Anisha Abraham, for instance, started the Pink Power Project—which organized donation drives of pads and tampons for low-income period-havers around St. Petersburg, Florida—while she was still in high school. She spoke out against period poverty, publicly encouraging people to talk about periods more. And yet, the other day, she felt those same messages of shame about her period creeping in. “I really needed a tampon, and I kinda felt embarrassed about asking my friend about it,” she told me over the phone. “I didn’t think I would experience that after being so involved in period equity. It’s a really big part of my identity. But yesterday I had this little thought like, ‘Maybe I shouldn’t ask my friend for a tampon.’”
So, yes, Lydia, you are totally normal. That said, periods do, in your words, “really suck” sometimes. They can be uncomfortable, painful, inconvenient, and strange. The fact that your period is nothing to be ashamed of does not erase its downsides. That’s why it’s crucial to figure out ways you can be more physically and emotionally comfortable during your period. Pay attention to your flow and really, really get to know its twists and turns. Experiment with the right pads, tampons, menstrual cups, menstrual discs, and absorbent period underwear. Invest in a heating pad. Build in time to relax and eat your favorite foods. Take a mild painkiller if you need to. And don’t be afraid to speak to your doctor if you’re in a lot of pain. Periods aren’t fun, but unmanageable pain could indicate a more serious problem.
That’s my advice — but I’ve decided to give you something a little extra. You’re not alone in feeling passionate about fighting against period stigma; teens all over the country have been normalizing the issue and making sure every menstruating person has access to the pads, tampons, and other resources they need. I posed your question to five of them. This is what they had to say about their own experiences and how to overcome period shame:
Anisha Abraham, 18, Rice University freshman and founder of the Pink Power Project:
We’re taught that our periods are a private thing, that it’s a girl thing. I remember my teacher who was giving us a sex talk in the 6th grade told us, if you ever have a situation and you have a male teacher, you can tell him that’s a girl thing and he’ll excuse you. That kind of rhetoric sets us up that [periods] are hush-hush, that it can’t be talked about. So I don’t think Lydia’s situation is unusual. I would just reassure her that she’s coming from a place that a lot of women and girls are coming from. But don’t let it prevent her from getting the resources she needs. There are a lot of places that can provide information or just different kinds of menstrual products.
Yanique Brandford, 24, biomedical physics MSc student at Ryerson University and founder of Help a Girl Out, which she started when she was 17:
I was there once. As a girl growing up in Jamaica, I’d often feel that it would have been better if I were a boy. No one ever taught me about my period. I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t know the importance of it. All I could see was how I felt during that time of the month. Teachers at school [in Jamaica and later in Canada], they didn’t address it. I went through a large portion of my life not having a sex ed conversation. I was menstruating for three or four years before they separated boys and girls and had a 15-minute conversation with us. I got most of my information from biology class, which is way too late.
But now being through biology class, I know how it connects to fertility and hormones. I have a lifelong dream of being a mom, and knowing that my period will make that possible makes me feel a lot better about it. My advice is to research what periods actually do and find comfort in knowing that your period is a very important thing that happens every month. Change your diet around that time. Use a hot water bag — that changed my life. Eat chocolate and lounge around. There are a lot of support systems and a lot of things to make you feel better. I know from having painful periods, it had a large, large effect on how I saw it. [Overly] painful periods are not normal, and I only learned that after starting HAGO.
Saranna Zhang, 17, senior at Kinder HSPVA in Houston and founder of The Period Pact:
I would recommend doing some real research on the many different period care products available out there, whether it is reusable menstrual cups or organic cotton pads and tampons. Finding a product that makes you feel safe, secure, and comfortable can really help. We often aren't taught about the multitude of options that are now available for period care, but finding something that works for you and your body can make dealing with her period exponentially more comfortable.
Also, just talk about periods! We often get uncomfortable talking about things that are "taboo" like sex or periods, but the misinformation and harm that occurs around these topics comes from a lack of open and constructive dialogue. Find spaces to discuss period poverty, menstrual care, period symptoms, and more, whether it's with a school club that's passionate about the issue or a trusted parent. Make periods more visible in our daily discourse on social media; menstruation happens whether we talk about it or not, and talking about it ensures that issues like period poverty don't go unaddressed.
Another thing that's essential is enacting real political change. If our laws continue stigmatizing menstruation to the point of taxing them as a "luxury," people and lawmakers will continue to see them as such, not as a normal bodily function that should be treated with equal respect and candidness. Abolishing the Tampon Tax in every state and ensuring that everyone, especially students, has access to period products when they need them, will come only from political action.
Zoe Kass, 17, advocacy director for The Period Pact:
Nobody ever told me that periods were gross or embarrassing, but they were never a topic of conversation at home. One day in math class in 8th grade, I overheard a group of girls talking openly about their periods. I was shocked and thought their conversation was super scandalous, so I obviously felt some degree of internalized shame about having a period. I also wanted my mom to not tell my dad that I had started my period because I was super embarrassed (there were lots of tears shed over having to wear a pad, which I felt was like wearing a diaper). Once I stopped being afraid of talking about my period around my dad and my friends, though, I began to feel empowered rather than ashamed, so much so that now I’m one of those girls who would’ve shocked me back when I was in middle school!
My advice: Stop trying to disguise your pads and tampons on the way to the bathroom at school! I’m definitely guilty of shoving a pad up the sleeve of my sweatshirt in the past, but having your period products out in the open is a really great way of normalizing menstruation for yourself and for other menstruators who see you in the halls. Menstruation doesn’t need to be a secret! Take a friend with you to the bathroom at lunch the next time you are on your period, and you can try shamelessly carrying around period products together.
Sophie Draluck, 19, University of Pennsylvania freshman and founder of Cycle Forward:
Menstruators have been getting their periods since the beginning of time, and I’m not sure how far back “period shaming” started, but it’s literally been thousands of years. (For example, biblical references to women being “unclean” for seven days—see Leviticus 15.) So don’t feel bad, as these feelings are common. And we’ve all grown up in a society full of euphemisms like “sanitary products,” rather than the more articulate “menstrual products” language, that subtly perpetuates the idea that there is something “dirty” about periods that needs to be sanitized. Whatever the origins, period shame/stigma is real and you shouldn’t be hard on yourself for feeling it. At least half the world’s population either does or has or will menstruate, making it even less logical that any of us are walking around feeling bad about menstruation in any way.
Let’s start letting the period have her moment — talking about it openly and not treating tampons and pads as contraband. Such efforts will help all of us normalize the conversation around these issues and help destigmatize the subject moving forward. We all have everything to gain by normalizing our conversations and actions around our periods (no more shamefully skulking off to the bathroom to change a tampon) and using our confidence and power to reverse any shame or stigma that exists.
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Want more from Teen Vogue? Check this out: 8th Grade Girls Start Period Podcast to Combat Stigma
